Reasons Why I Love You

When a spouse says “These are the reasons why I love you, “ take it with a smile and gratitude that he or she is open about his or her feelings. But often when people list “the reasons why I love you,” they mention certain superficial things, which, if changed, would not alter the feelings of love. Noted lecturer or relationships, Rabbi Manis Friedman, makes the observation that when someone says something like “I love him for his sense of humor, “ she is not really expressing something real. Would she love just anyone who was just as funny? If he has a bad day and doesn’t feel like cracking any jokes, does she still love him? If she doesn’t, it is evident that she doesn’t really love him. So the “reasons why I love you” are not actual reasons for the love, but are aspects that merely help the love along. She is more readily able to love her husband because of his sense of humor. When he is funny, he is easy to love. But if she really loves him, she still loves him even after the laughter has died down.

In our society, the divorce rate now exceeds 50%. Among other factors for massive breakups is the high expectations couples have about each other and about marriage. These unrealistic notions often come from films and novels. A starlett falls in love with the star because he rescues a drowning kitten or makes a witty remark. The couple take a walk in a gorgeous autumnal setting and discuss “the reasons why I love you”. But this is just the silver screen, where superficial traits or incredible events are entertaining. In real life, people complain that they no longer love their spouses because “he isn’t as brave as I thought he was” or “she isn’t as neat as I thought she was.” As long as there are “reasons” for love, there are “reasons” for love to fade. But if someone stops listing “the reasons why I love you” and thinks of his or her marriage as involving an actual soul connection that transcends justification, they will feel and exhibit more love and satisfaction.